hatchlings

It takes 35 days to raise a chick to a 2 kg chicken.

It takes 21 days for an egg to become a chicken.

It takes a day to lay an egg.

The first of these figures I heard from a colleague who runs the family business. He was once a software engineer and claims that the process is so hi-tech that he still gets to stretch his analytical engineer side. The other two I know from experience. After restraining myself from correcting Pula’s meandering inconsistencies re the girls and myself, I decided to step in and set the record straight.

My name is Puleng,

Taking a stroll

the female counterpart to Pula. How? I was shocked by the 35 day time because I have never seen such rapid growth and of course us bantams are not very big chickens. The obvious answer is the very controlled environment that these chickens grow up in. Everything, from their CO2/O2 levels, the amount of feed, water and ambient light are all rigorously monitored and optimised. For disease, they are inoculated twice and a diet of hormones is mixed with their feed to help with that growth spurt. Just in case you are getting worried, the hormones are stopped the week before they are captured and sent to the slaughter-house. This, the scientists have calculated, is enough time for the hormones to be washed out of their systems!! You, like me, may have your doubts.

As Pula has described, life for us is very different. Contrary to his assertion, we do lay in Winter, not quite as much as in Spring though. It is the extremes of temperature that have us holding back. You can imagine what a strain it is to sit for 21 days with 15-30 minute breaks everyday.  In the beginning, all it is is that peculiar feeling that I can only describe as a desire to squat. I was really shocked when after this feeling, I stood up to find a beautiful little egg. I quickly learnt to associate this feeling with eggs and learnt to find or even make a warm, soft place to put them all. Then I became overcome with this protective feeling that made it harder and harder to leave the nest, I think you call it brooding. When sitting, all energy goes towards keeping the eggs warm. You lose weight, your feathers become ruffled and unkempt and it feels like you are in a perpetual daze. All this time, Pula just wants to jump on you and squirt.

Rather than dissipate, this broody feeling begins to swell up inside of you. On those last days there is a stillness in the haze. Those of you who may have fasted for some days may understand the feeling of simplicity and clarity. That is why it was shocking when through this silence, the eggs started to speak. I thought I was hallucinating but there they were, making little squeaking sounds. When days later, they started moving from under me, then cracked open to reveal the cutest noonoos, I felt as if my heart would break. I’m sorry, I’m going on… I’m quite the sentimentalist you see. I didn’t mean to put you off your dinner, it’s just hard to think of counting down 35 days from this…

A flood of laying

Some of the noonoos and yours

“Animal factories are one more sign of the extent to which our technological capacities have advanced faster than our ethics.” -Peter Singer, philosopher, professor of bioethics (1946- )

hangover omelette

Licking my lips and glowing with satisfaction.

In a moment of inspired brilliance, I remembered an age old recipe that has saved me from many a hung-over day. I thought I’d share… sharing is caring. Mbaaa!! (that’s the sound of a big smooch). You may notice that I don’t specify quantities but that’s because that is where the improvisation aspect of this recipe kicks in. For example on this particular day I relented to my salt craving and was pretty liberal in that department… go ahead and play!! As we proceed, imagine that I’m a young Englishman with a subtle lisp and a nack for making English life appear continental.

Ingredients

Eggs

Tomato slices

Mango Atchar

Black pepper

Sea salt/Herb salt

Malay curry blend

Emmental cheese

Chillies

Garlic

Baking powder

Steps

1. Mix the eggs, baking powder, garlic salt and spices together and whisk vigorously. This may hurt if you are hung over but persevere, it’s all worth it at the end. The baking powder is my not-so- secret ingredient because it introduces a lightness to the omelette that is sophistication manifest. Can somebody tell me how you get free range eggs in winter? I spend my days with the girls and in winter they stop laying. I would consider we live a “free range” lifestyle so how come you get free range eggs in shops in winter? Something doesn’t add up.
2. Pour the mixture into your pre-heated frying pan. As with all the ingredients here, the amount of oil in the pan depends entirely on  its efficacy in removing the banging sounds in your head.
3. Cook on a medium heat. Haste is waste and you really don’t want to do this all over again.
4. When the bottom is looking pretty firm add the atchar, tomato and cheese.
5. Let the cheese melt. Now you can fold the egg and serve. Be careful, this is the stage where impatience can ruin all your hard work. I sometimes leave it open when the golden colours of the omelette are too beautiful not to display.

Injoy, the end of that toxic feeling is nigh.